7.) Over Dependence on Sheltering
We have all heard this in homeschooling. It comes in the form of 'socialization' arguments, or well meaning extended family members. I am not going to rehash why homeschooling is sheltering, why that shelter is needed, and how that shelter protects, provides, and children who have this shelter thrive and are very well socialized. It is my job to shelter, period.
What I will talk about is how that sheltering can appear to teens. I have a friend who has a son who really wanted to play a sport. Her high school aged son lived in a school district that allowed kids to play sports at the school as long as they took two classes in the public school. Her son, very athletic and energetic, begged - I mean BEGGED to be allowed to play, and so mom and dad agreed. They went to the school, they enrolled him in the two classes.
Within the first month of school there was a definite shift in their child. My oldest is good friends with this boy and came to me with serious concerns that the boy might harm himself because he was so depressed. He said he felt a dark cloud of oppression around the boy, and it scared him. I encouraged my son to be a good friend, and I spoke to the mom about Macguines' concerns. She said it had been a hard adjustment, but she thought it was beneficial to stop sheltering her son at this age. A few weeks later she called to tell me her son had been attacked by three students in the locker room where there were no cameras or witnesses. The three boys said her son started it and her son bore the brunt of the punishment - suspension - from the school. Still trying to work with the school, deceived by the officials, she allowed her son to continue. It wasn't until the coach called and told her that her son would not be able to play sports since he didn't 'fit in' that they finally removed their son from this harmful situation. I am sure there is more to this story and I do not relate it to pass judgment on this family. I know they did what they thought was best for their child - and this is all any of us can do. Her teen thought that he was being unfairly sheltered, prevented from the thing he wanted more than anything - he did not see his parents as his protectors, he saw them as his jailers. This was not a correct assessment - and what 14 year really knows as much as they think they do?
At the same time - I think about this and the thought of 'over sheltering' children. My sons are in middle school and high school, they are not adults, they are still discovering who they are. I sincerely believe that jr. high and high school is likely the WORST time to re-enroll a child in public school. As a teen, they are shaping who they are in Christ, who they want to be, their dreams, their goals, and who they admire. This isn't the time to throw them in with the sharks and hope they can not only swim, but survive, even if they BEG to be allowed to attend school.
Obviously, we plan to homeschool through high school. I have heard the arguments from parents which say 'I want my kids to have ________ experience' or 'I went to high school and I turned out ok' or 'How will they discover who they are?' or 'I don't think I can teach high school classes' or 'I don't want my kids to be weird' or 'They really want to go to school!' And while each of these arguments are sincerely held, none of them, NONE OF THEM, address the root argument here - Homeschooling is my calling. It is what is God's call for my family. It was not lifted when my boys turned the magical age of 13. We can have experiences, discovery and non-weirdness and still homeschool, but we can't be obedient to God if we aren't homeschooling. Until God lifts that call - we will be homeschooling. God's will isn't mysterious - He wants us to understand - if you are struggling with this - I would encourage you to follow the steps for a quiet time below and pray every single day for God to give you an answer. By the way, in my experience, no answer is a NO answer.
So, within homeschooling, how do we provide a safe environment, without over sheltering?
#1 - Create Community
I co-lead a homeschool co-op. We have students there from preschool through high school. This is a safe environment where my sons can have their own friends yet still be within the safety of a group that shares their values and beliefs. This not only provides them with a social outlet, it reinforces the ideals they are taught at home. For my personal family, we have talked about because their mom is the leader - it is possible that some students are nice to them to gain status and not because they are true friends. You don't have to start a co-op to create a place for your student to step out a little bit - you could host a small study group at your home, you could start a special interest group with Legos or Band or Drama or Computers. Find a way for your student to have community with their peers, which also involves you as an observer. As the leader, I have to be especially careful to step back and let the kids go. I know this is a safe place, so I have to consciously step back and let them be in their own relationships. This is harder than it sounds and I sometimes struggle with it, but it is absolutely necessary.
#2 - Interview
Yes it sounds a little odd, but my husband and I interview groups where our teens want to participate. Your teen may respond with 'That is sooo embarrassing' Why? Why is this embarrassing? Do you think that Dad lets Mom go anywhere and do anything without first checking to make sure it is safe? No. This is an example of Biblical leadership - Christ went first, and He doesn't send us where He himself did not go first.
So, we interviewed the youth pastor, and then another one, and then another one -three total - until we found a youth group that cut a good middle between having fun together and studying God's word and growing in community together. We interviewed a family that was a part of a local homeschooling group to see if we wanted to let our children participate there. We interviewed the leaders of a Christian football program to see if they really taught what they said they believed. We interviewed a band director to see if he was really interested in the spiritual and not just the band. These are the ones that passed the interview - we interviewed others that did not pass. They said 'Christian' but they lived clique. They said 'Believers' but they lived all business, not grace, not love, not Christ. Find places for your teens to participate in community, but INTERVIEW the community before you let them attend. Those who are like minded, won't mind, and those do mind, don't matter.
#3 - Step back - way back.
Mom - There is this tendency for people to think that because I am a homeschooling mom that I am not busy and so I should step up to help in every single arena where my kids participate. They have clever ways of 'asking' for help couched in 'there is no one else to do it' or 'you aren't busy because your kid is here, right?' I have the desire to see my kids. I love them! I want to be in community with them - so I am sometimes easy to convince because I want to be around them! To all the mom's out there - and I am speaking to myself on this one too - Step back! Teens are able to manage, in certain environments, without you. If you feel high pressure to commit to helping - consult with your husband before you commit. SAY 'I will have to talk to my husband about that' before you commit to anything, and then, of course, talk to your husband. Allow him to guard your schedule - but also allow him to stand in the gap for you and say to ministry leaders "If you need help, you will need to talk to me, not my wife." They may not like that response, they may try to push it, keep resting in your hubby and let him handle it! If you absolutely have to commit, commit to be in a behind the scenes, very limited role- like 'I can bring snacks' - every teen gathering needs snacks =)
Teens - I am their co-op leader, so I am intentionally NOT involved in their other activities. Teens need to have some space - it is in controlled environments - but it is their space. They need to learn to be in community without their parents there to manage every detail. They need time to be with other like minded teens and they need some freedom to make their own friendships. Since we have interviewed the leaders of these ministries, we are comfortable letting them go. This is not to say that every experience is a positive one. Our teens have experienced gossipy girls, cliques, bullies, pecking order, and many other common teenage situations. These experiences are things they discussed with us - in part - but also things that they gained confidence through coping with by themselves. It was often painful to watch, but I thank God for the mercy and grace to allow me to step back and let it ride. They gained the perspective to say "This activity wasn't fun last year (because of some of the people here), but I am going to stay another year because things can change and I am making friends."
8.) Not passing on a Pure Faith
The church in Galatia was a great church - they had wonderful works. I am sure they packed shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, put on a spectacular Christmas productions, had free community meals, they participated in home school co-ops, they abstained from anything that might look bad. But they needed to understand one thing - good works do not equal a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I am deeply convinced that the reason young adults leave the church is because they have knowledge of how to be moral, but no knowledge of how to be in a relationship with Jesus. The reason for this? Lack of spiritual training. Why? Lack of spiritual knowledge by the adults in their lives. Ouch!
We are so concerned for the way they are perceived by others, their reputation, that we overlook the way they are perceived by the Lord. This is one of those things that I am on my knees, on my face, before the Lord about, constantly. I am praying in the school room, praying at the foot of their beds, praying at their co-op, praying at the kitchen table, praying, praying, praying. Lord give me wisdom to teach them how to be in relationship with You.
The number one way I can teach this - the Bible. There have been many books written about the Bible, someone's view of Biblical teaching, but the source is the Bible. Start here. We have asked our sons to do a daily quiet time. This is something we ourselves did not know how to do until we were adults -so here is a step by step guide.
Before you begin
1 - Pick a time -do it every day
2 - Have a Bible you understand -I love the NLT
3 - Have a notebook and a pencil
When you start
1 - Pray and ask God to speak to you
2 - Begin reading any book in the New Testament
3 - Read until something speaks to you - until you read something that jumps out at you - or 1 chapter.
4 - Write what you learned, how you feel about it, apply it to your life.
5 - Pray about the topic, thank God, submit your requests to the Lord - anything that is on your mind.
6 - write more if you need to =)
The Next Day
1 - Open your Bible to where you left off yesterday
2 - Pray and ask God to speak to you
3 - Read until something speaks to you - until you read something that jumps out at you - or 1 chapter.
4 - Write what you learned, how you feel about it, apply it to your life.
5 - Pray about the topic, thank God, submit your requests to the Lord - anything that is on your mind.
6 - write more if you need to =)
In addition to this, we have also added some character training to our home school. We like this book for boys. I have seen this book recommended for girls. I also like some of the resources on this page http://thecharactercorner.com/character-store/
Developing a relationship with Christ is key - and as a parent, I can not teach what I do not know. My relationship with Christ has to be right before I can have relationship - real, deep, abiding, love relationships with my husband, or my children. Then, and only then, can I encourage this relationship in their lives. Father help me, have mercy and bless me in spite of me. On my face again and again before Him. This is how we teach this. This is the only way to teach this.
9.) Not cultivating a love relationship with our children
This is so important - so let me repeat myself
My relationship with Christ has to be right before I can have relationship - real, deep, abiding, love relationships with my husband, or my children.
Here are some practical ways to cultivate that relationship, think 'What does Christ do for me?'
Listen. Really listen to what they have to say. There is no issue with respectful questioning.
Avoid arbitrary responses and decisions. I saw a facebook post giving parents advice to respond to their children with 'asked and answered' Wow - spectacularly bad advice for talking to teens. Can you imagine the intense dislike and anger you would feel for ministry leaders, your husband, your boss at work, if they responded to your reasonable request with 'asked and answered?!?!?!' You want to see an adult flip out -try giving them this response when they ask you a question. Only the most arrogant people would ever attempt this - don't use it on your children, please!!! Build relationship by listening to them, and hearing them, and sometimes the answer is 'I'll think about it.'
Give the reason behind the rule. Use the Bible to clearly illustrate the reason we don't text after 9pm, the reason we hold the door in the rain, or carry things for the pregnant ladies, or volunteer to help clean up, or befriend the friendless, or do things we don't always enjoy doing. Teaching them to love others as they love themselves brings them into a closer relationship with others, with their parents, and most importantly, with the Lord.
Let them make as many decisions as possible. Sometimes God lets us screw up. Some of us have to learn by doing. Letting my teens make as many decisions as possible is sometimes painful to watch, but it helps them to learn the right and the wrong ways to do things, and to fully understand a concept.
Love them unconditionally, and show them love constantly. They will fall. One of the most impactful statements I have ever made to my son is 'I was so disappointed with you.' It is because of the relationship that this makes an impact. There are some rules for this relationship - I will never harm you. I always, always, always have what is very best for YOU at the front of my mind (even when it is not necessarily what is easiest for me), I am your biggest cheerleader, I will believe you and have your back when others accuse you, I will correct you at home and in private whenever possible. If I correct you in public, it is because it is absolutely needed.
The common thread to all of this - relationship. If I am in a right relationship with Christ - I am able to be in a right relationship with my teens and I am able to bring them into a right relationship with Christ which keeps them in relationship with me.
Build those relationships!
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