Homeschooling through High School - The Pecking Order

I have been kicking this around in my brain for a while now.  I hear snippets of conversations, see behaviors rewarded, other behaviors punished.  I see sons damaged who know they are damaged and sons damaged who do not know they are damaged and I think. 

I think about the kind of men I want my sons to be.  I think about the men they are called to be.  I think. 

I think a lot. These kids aren't my kids, but I still think about them. I still pray for them.

There is a kid I know who is a sweet kid.  He wants to please others, but he also wants his own way.  What teen doesn't?  His mother, nice lady, loves God, tries hard, constantly ridicules and corrects him in front of other people.  Kid deflates, gets angry, sulks, yells - feels humiliated.  Other kids pick on this kid - kid lashes out - mom can't figure out why. 

There is a kid I know who is a bully.  Mom thinks he hung the moon.  She ridicules her other children, but openly praises this one.  The kid struts around like a mean rooster looking for someone to tear up.  He found my kid - inner mom wants to eat this pompous brat - outer mom waits for son to find his own way.   Son is not used to kids like this one - he is frustrated, angry and relieved when bully finds a new stomping ground.  I am relieved too.

There is a kid I know who has no self control or desire to be a good kid.  His mom turns a blind eye, when she sees him act up she cries.  Dad isn't around much, kid runs the house.  Kid lashes out at another kid.  Lashed kid is shocked, his mouth hangs open, he tells an adult.  No control kid laughs and continues bad behavior, mother cries.

There is a kid I know who isn't the biggest kid, other kids pick at him.  Kid discovers that he is the smartest kid.  He finds his identity in his intelligence.  God calls now almost a man kid to serve in a way that does not require genius level intelligence- kid is afraid of losing standing - kid starts trying to be the most spiritual kid- kid struggles with God's call.

There is a kid I know who is nice to everyone.  He goes out of his way to be kind, he is faithful, honest, reliable and self assured.  Kid is above the fray of other kids jockeying for position - mom keeps trying to put him into this place or that place to help with socialization.  I want to say - STOP - your kid is already socialized very well - you have done a fantastic job!  Stop worrying!  Kid looks confused like 'am I supposed to participate in this mess?'
There is a kid I know who was very rebellious, he gave his parents fits.  Today his rebellion isn't overt.  He doesn't talk back, he doesn't speak against them, but he owns his own mind.  You can tell this kid is just biding his time until he is released from his parents.  His heart is set, his mind is set, and it isn't a good set - he is lost and seems determined to stay that way. Parents are happy with kids behavior, kid is happy parents don't yell at him anymore.

There is a kid I know who is now a man.  He never fit in anywhere.  He looked for friends but he was too far outside of normal to be accepted.  His mom let him stay home.  Then his mom let him do whatever he wanted.  He didn't want to study or learn, and his mom beat her head against the wall trying to teach him. Then he became a man and realized that what other people thought didn't matter as much as what he thought.  He decided to make something of himself, so he did.

There is a kid I know who now is a man.  Acceptance came easy for him.  He was always praised, crowned, leader of the pack.  I am sure that he faced some adversity in his life, but I could not tell you what it was and I have known him for many years.  He became a man.  He struggled.  His self was not based on who God said he was, or who he knew himself to be, his self was based on who others said he was.  He is a janitor now, he hangs his head.  He thinks it is demeaning to be a servant.  I want to tell him that it is not - that we are all called to serve and this is but a season of life -but he is not my son.

There are three boys I have.  I think they are wonderful.  I try not to tell them that because I don't want them to think they hung the moon.  God hung the moon. I am not a perfect mom.  My husband is not a perfect dad.  We do not subscribe to the idea of a pecking order.  We know that it exists and we know that it is wrong.  I have read Christian books about how good it is to have pecking order in boys, in the church, in the community.  These people are foolish.  Their words directly contradict God's Word.  The first shall be last, Jesus the servant sacrifice, sitting at the foot of the table, some of you are reigning already....on and on.

Some psychologists will tell you it is a natural part of growing up, that you can not shelter your kids from a pecking order and they are correct.  It is a natural part of life for a lost person - to see your worth as nothing more than the clothes you wear or the friends you make or the car you drive.  To spend life in the endless striving for popularity, success, money, power, prestige.  Here is a sermon link about this very topic http://vimeo.com/60022674 But there are a lot of other things that are also 'natural' for a lost person. They are not natural for my sons.  Once they were slaves to sin - dead - a part of the barren tree of Adam.  Today they have been grafted into the tree of Jesus - the old has passed away - they are a new creation in Christ - they are no longer slaves of sin - they are now slaves of righteousness - if they remain in Jesus (His will) they will bear much fruit. 

So if we do not teach our children how to survive the pecking order, what do we teach them?
Teach them to love God - remain in Him and seek Him  - Seek Him everyday!  He is Good, His will is perfect, He knows what He is doing, He loves us unconditionally, He will never hurt us - even when our circumstances hurt - God is faithful.
Teach them that life isn't about stumbling through, putting one foot in front of the other, hoping to be able to breathe some day - life is living and rejoicing in the Lord.  We can have joy even in darkness.  We can have joy even in suffering.  We can have joy in the mundane - Joy is Faith and Faith is Obedience.
Teach them that you can't hoard Joy.  Joy must be given away, it must be shared, sown, splattered on the lives of those around us.  Serving is giving away Joy.  Giving gifts is giving away Joy.  Spending time with the lowly is giving away Joy.  Holding hands with the sick is giving away Joy. Simply telling someone how much they mean to us is giving away Joy. 

I know some people - a lot of people - who do not understand this.  They can be cold, cruel, hurtful and downright mean.  I want to run and hide.  I want to shelter my children away from this - but if I do that I hoard the Joy -and it becomes bitter and barren and joyless.  If I do this I am participating in the pecking order by telling these people I am not worthy to participate.

The pecking order is sin simplified and displayed in children - it puts me first - my wishes - my will
I can not teach my children to run away.  I can not teach them to fight for a place.  I have to teach them God's way.  His way is being a slave of righteousness and counting it joy if the world hates you and being above the fray when people act like chickens.

And do you know who is above the chickens?  Eagles.  They soar with wings like Eagles, they walk and do not grow weary. They run and do not faint.

Teach your sons to be Eagles.