In 2004 the movie "Mean Girls" hit theaters and from it was born 100's of memes and pop culture references. This movie resonated with many young women because they were experiencing this phenomena in their high schools and colleges.
For those who didn't see the movie, the basic story follows a new girl moves into town who had been homeschooled because her parents worked in Africa. Back in the states, she enrolls, for the first time, in a public high school and discovers that it resembles the wild animal kingdom of Africa. Attractive and interesting, she gains the attention of the high school bully, Regina George. Regina is outwardly perfect, popular, and surrounds herself with the pretty girls who are mean, petty, spiteful and generally make everyone around them miserable. Regina first recruits the new girl into her clique, but later rejects her. Neither girl is genuinely nice but over time the new girl learns how to be a kinder person.
They say art imitates culture, or is it that culture imitates art? Fast forward to 2019 and the girls who were in high school or college when "Mean Girls" came out in theaters, are the thirty something young moms of today. It's scary, but walk into almost any mom group and you can easily start to identify cliques, much like in the movie....
The crunchy moms - They only always eat all organic, they love essential oils, their kids don't know what a pop tart is
The sports mom - everything is all about (insert sport here), she has a great tan from sitting in the bleachers, cooler in the mini-van full of healthy snacks and Gatorade
There's the working moms, and the work from home moms, and the super involved mom, the super spiritual mom, the moms of kids with special needs, the stay at home mom...
Finally, just like in the movie, there are the "cool" moms. These mom's aren't like regular moms. These are often the mean moms.
Mean moms have some key character traits (again resembling the movie).
Mean moms pretend their lives are perfect. When my kids were little, bringing snacks for the soccer team was probably a rice crispy treat and a juice box (and that would have been a little bit extra!) With the popularity of Pinterest, my kid can't eat a snack unless it looks like an animal, or have a party unless there are 47 different station games. Each mom trying to out do the last with the cute snack or the best treat. One mom literally paid a professional cake decorator to make the treats for a school party!
Pretending to be perfect is just that - pretend. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 10 how people only look so good when they are comparing themselves with other people, not with God's standards. None of us are perfect, we know that, and a good thing- because God doesn't use the perfect, and He won't allow false/vain glory, only Glory that is in Him.
1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (NASB)Mean moms are pushy and generally think their ideas are the only good ones. A mom was sharing in an online group about something as simple as when to start babies on solid foods. A commentator said "you're going to kill your kids" This is extreme, and who does this? Who goes online with the express purpose of making other people feel bad? Another time I was attending a meet up for homeschooling moms and a mom was sharing about her desire to homeschool without using a set curricula, but by gathering free resources from online and at the library. Another mom spoke up commenting that her kids would be uneducated and unable to get a job when they were older. Mom shaming is real and rampant!
"26 For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; 27 but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, 28 and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, 29 so that no man may boast before God. 30 But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, 31 so that, just as it is written, “Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
Mean moms talk behind other mom's backs. At a gathering a few years ago I overheard a group of mom's bashing a mom whose son had acted up and who had just left in tears. Rather than reassuring her that all boys that age act up sometimes, or walking her to her car to give her a hug (which I did) or even commiserating the difficulties in raising kids, they waited until she left to spout off about how great their kids were and how bad hers was. Yep - meeting of the mean moms. Voiced as a concern, one mean mom, pointed out that another mom hadn't looked well lately and her kids "looked like they needed new clothes and a bath" she followed that statement with a mean chuckle... Other moms agreed that she looked pretty worn out and someone commented that her twins were probably giving her grief again. Even couched in sympathy, these mean mom's motives are clear - belittle and exclude.
Judging a mom, or criticizing her for her parenting choices, is flat out wrong. Waiting until a mom leaves to talk about what a bad mom she is, or expressing "concern" over her children, is insincere, dishonoring, and hurtful.
Romans 12: 9-18 (ESV)Mean moms try to build a group of followers, known to psychologists as "Flying Monkeys". A friend of mine once asked a question on a group thread in a mommy group online. The first mom responded politely, then the mean moms joined in, one rudely disagreeing, another mocking her, and finally some commenting saying "what she said". Another time a mom went around to multiple others telling them to drop out of our mom group to avoid another mom she had a problem with.
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Something really remarkable which happens in the movie is when the mean girl, Regina, can't get her way, when she has been out-smarted and is undone, she lies. She takes her "burn book" and attributes it to the new girl. She does this to generate sympathy for herself, to destroy the reputation of the new girl who has become more popular, and to destroy her community- if she can't be the "Queen bee" no one can. (the new girl had also become quite mean)Mean moms lie.
"...It's bullying 101: Belittling someone else's choice makes you feel better about your own. Art Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of Brain Briefs, points to the scientific and historical evidence that people within a social group—like women with kids around the same age—gain stature by tearing down others around them. "It's easy to maintain a sense of group cohesion by creating a distinction between an in-group and an out-group," he explains. By being mean to outsiders, the clique is strengthened and the mean moms' status in the group rises. Yes, it's all very junior high—and no, it's not uncommon in adulthood. "It is actually a deep part of human social interactions," says Markman. The way he puts it, bullies are narcissists, and narcissists prop up their self-esteem through the energy of other people. "You see this in-group and out-group behavior in business, with fans of sports teams, and with cliques of moms."
If a mean mom can't recruit other moms to follow her by her over the top Pintrest crafts, virtuous opinions, shaming, bullying, and coalition building - she will lie and try to destroy the reputation of any mom's who oppose her. I can not tell you the number of outright falsehoods I have heard repeated back to me by a mom who was the acting "flying monkey" of a mean mom. I once sat in a meeting where someone was indignant that the gossip they had heard, believed, and repeated - was proven to be completely untrue. They were shocked. They had been lied to by a mean mom (really a group of mean moms) and they had bought into the lies.
2 Timothy 3:1-13This isn't how Moms, or anyone for that matter, should treat each other. Our culture approaches this issue from a point of morality. It is good to be nice and kind to one another, so we should all do that. Scripture goes a bit farther in casting down some of these things, but scripture also gives us a TON of ways to be a mom the loves Jesus and loves others.
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. 9 But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men.
1. Serve others without the desire to make them look less than in the process and only Jesus is the savior, not any other person.
John 13:12-17
12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.
2. Speak kindly to others - even over the internet
3. Realize that Gossip is something most women struggle with, understand it's damaging effects and train yourself to avoid it. Here is an article about gossip that is completely spot on,Proverbs 16: 24.
Kind words are like honey—
sweet to the soul and healthy for the body
https://newspring.cc/articles/what-does-the-bible-say-about-gossip
4. Realize this isn't about you. Healthy, happy, Godly people don't act like this - or if they do, they realize it and sincerely try to right their wrongs.
Ephesians 6:10-2010 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, 19 and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.
5. Don't fall into the trap of unreasonably judging others who belong to Christ. There is a time and a place for good judgement. That isn't when a mom is asking about breastfeeding options, or choosing a homeschool curriculum. The Apostle Paul wrote Romans 14 - which cautions at least twice not to judge others, but also wrote 1 Corinthians 4 which recommends expulsion of a "believer" partaking in incest. Clearly we are to judge, but that judgement isn't over minor trivial things. It should be reserved and used to protect moms and their kids, not humiliate them
Make the choice not to be a mean mom, not to enable mean moms. Mom's need to hear that they are doing a good job and their efforts are noticed and appreciated! Be a mom that uplifts, encourages, and cheers on the other moms.
