Homeschooling through high school: A letter to young ladies

If you've read this blog before you know that I am a mother of three young men. This doesn't mean that I don't care about young ladies or that I don't remember being young lady. In fact, the older my sons get the more concerned I become with the young ladies of our world.  My son's are blessed to have some lovely young ladies in their circles of friends, but I recently spoke with a mother who was very discouraged with the young ladies who were in her son's group.  She said 'These girls are no different from the girls in public schools, it doesn't matter that they are homeschooling or in private school, they are horrible to each other and to the boys!'  That breaks my heart!

When my sons each turned 11, my husband took time to read Every Young Man's Battle with them. This book opened the door for their father to teach them how to be respectful of young ladies, how to be respectful in general and why this is important, how to honor themselves with their actions, but most importantly how to honor and grow in a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I recently read the girl version of this book, however; it left me unimpressed.  So here are some highlights from about four different books that I sincerely hope young ladies are reading with their moms.  As a mother of boys I haven't researched what is available to help young ladies with their struggles, so if you know of a good resource, please let me know or post it in the comments so that other moms can find it.

Dear Young Ladies,
As a woman you are constantly surrounded by images, magazines, music, television and even other women telling you who you should be.  With all of these voices it is difficult to know the truth.  Even if you do know the truth it is often very hard to hang onto when everyone around you seems to think you are weird or sheltered or just plain wrong.  This letter isn't to scold you or make you feel bad about yourself, in fact, this letter is to help you know how to feel good about yourself without compromising your morals and values.  Every woman has a choice to make about where she will find the answer to the longing of her soul to be in relationship with others - I encourage you to choose to find that answer in the one who loves you more than He loved himself, the one who sacrificed everything to be with you, and the one who desires the very best things for you, Jesus Christ.
When I was five my family moved to a house in the rural Ohio countryside.  It was lovely.  I remember the first time I saw our 'backyard' full of golden fall grasses waving in the breeze.  Every moment possible I spent playing outside and discovering this wonderland which was my new home.  I remember swinging on our swing set, singing my lungs out, and running breathless through fields of Queen Annes lace dreaming about getting married. There could certainly be no flower more beautiful than Queen Anne's lace for a wedding. 

 

 

 

That imaginative play, envisioning a beautiful wedding witnessed by wildflowers, was followed by naming the imaginary children I would someday have.  In the evenings, after dinner, as it was time for bed, I would gather up each and every stuffed animal and baby doll I owned and tuck them into my bed because I didn't want any of them to feel left out.  My young heart was completely full.  I relate this story to you because I know you have some stories like this of your own. How do I know this?  Because you were created to love.  Females are born with the internal desire to nurture and love.  When God spoke to Adam and Eve in the garden he told them to 'Be fruitful and multiply.'  There were two people, and two commands there, the second command speaks right to the heart of every young lady - have a family, have a life full of love.  

Inside marriage we can 'Be fruitful and multiply.' But just like young men need to bounce their eyes in order to protect their minds and relationships from going too far in the physical sense, young ladies need to bounce their thoughts to protect their minds and relationships from going too far in the emotional sense. 

The world may say lust is normal for a young man and if he oogles young women that is because he is made that way and can't help himself. In the same way the world tells young ladies that longing is a normal part of growing up and that there isn't anything to be done about it. 

This idea is promoted in every preteen Disney channel television show.  How many times have you seen the cliché of a young girl rewriting her imaginary married name on a notebook one thousand times as she longs for Mr. Right to look her way?  While it is easy to point to examples of lust, it is difficult to point to examples of longing because the cause of lust is often external and the cause of longing is often internal.  The most obvious external factor I can point to as a cause of longing is the family.  Divorce, single parent homes, even absent male leadership (like a dad who is always busy, out of town, working) are the leading causes of longing in young ladies.  This, combined with the absence of a close love relationship with Jesus Christ, leave us in a world full of little girls growing into young women who long to be loved, cherished and protected. It is truly ironic that in a world full of the messages of the empowerment of women, we have still neglected their deepest inborn needs.

 

Young ladies, protect your heart from longing.  Young men are taught to bounce their eyes to avoid lust.  Young ladies have to learn to bounce their thoughts.  Young ladies who embrace longing often find that they do things which are not self respecting.  They obsess about boys, they dress to get the attention of boys, they spend all of their free time talking about boys and longing for a boy to like them.  They may call, text, IM, Facebook or otherwise stalk a boy, or many boys, seeking attention.  They may enter chat rooms and have inappropriate conversations with complete strangers, even agreeing to meet them, because the long for love.  They will flirt and act suggestively to get the attention that they long for. 

 

A few years ago my brother and my husband were working together at a call center.  They were both on break and talking about Christmas and upcoming family events.  They are not perfect - but if there are two examples of Godly men, Andrew and Drason would definitely qualify.  A younger woman, maybe in her twenties, walked passed them suggestively, and they bounced their eyes away and kept talking.  A few moments later the same girl walked passed them again, even more suggestively, and more slowly, making sure they would notice her.  Again they bounced their eyes away, kept talking, but this time they also moved away from the cafeteria where she was prowling around.  Amazingly, she followed them and 'accidentally bumped' into my brother.  If you know Andrew he is an honest and forthright person, he knew exactly what she was doing and rather than joke or flirt with her like she desired, he looked her in the eye, scowled, and said "I am ignoring you, go away."  When Drason related this story to me, he said her jaw about hit the floor, but she quickly recovered, looked pouty and replied "Don't you think I'm cute?"  To which they both replied, in unison, 'NO'.  She stomped off down the hallway and left them alone after that. 

 

This young woman's actions were ridiculous, she made a complete fool of herself in front of two Christian guys, one of whom was single and looking for a Godly woman to marry.  Young ladies, learn from this, a Godly man won't entertain the foolish behavior of a girl who has an issue with longing.  More importantly, an ungodly man WILL entertain you.  Imagine that encounter with two men who did not know the Lord.  Not only would they have been undressing her with their eyes, her coy invitation "Don't you think I'm cute?" likely would have resulted in a one night stand.  Because she longs for intimacy and relationship, she was willing to be physically available for men to enjoy.  An ungodly man's desire for her would not be rooted in wanting to satisfy her need for relationship, but rooted in his desire to use her body.  An ungodly man, seeing the longing for relationship in a young lady, will manipulate and use this longing, say anything (I love you, We could get married, You are the only girl for me) promise anything, to get what he really wants - your body.

 

Avoid opening yourself up to this kind of exploitation by learning to bounce your thoughts. If you find yourself daydreaming about a boy, or a relationship, purposefully find something else to do which will occupy your attention.  Practice a musical instrument, play a sport, read a book (not a romance novel!) find a way to push these thoughts away. 

 

Filter the things that come into your life.  That romance novel will likely lead to hours of longing for a relationship, throw it away.  Listening to popular music is also problematic.  Take these lyrics from a song by Rhianna

 

And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)

Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

She says she hates herself for the longing she feels for this boy.

For the country music fans - how about a song from Taylor Swift:

 

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about,
And she's got everything that I have to live without.

Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's just so funny [radio version]
  And I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

What a perfect description of longing. 

Young ladies, not only will longing place you in danger in this fallen world, not only will it leave you feeling miserable, cause you to act foolish, and take over your time.  Longing will damage you for your future relationship with the man God has in mind for you. 

Imagine your wedding day - maybe it is full of Queen Anne's lace - it is lovely and perfect and there is a faceless prince charming waiting for you at the altar.  Now imagine that he tells you, after you are married, that he has had countless physical relationships with other girls.  He looks at pornography and plans to continue, and he thinks you should be ok with that because he thinks it doesn't hurt anyone.  Would you still be enthralled?  or would you want to RUN away as fast as you could?  

When you spend your time longing after young men, you will enter into emotional relationships with those boys, sometimes even without their knowledge.  You will give away pieces of your heart to the boys you date or even become close friends with and you will damage the relationship you will one day have with your husband.  Not only will you hold you husband to an impossible imaginary standard, you will continue to experience this longing even after you are married.

Young women, if you desire a man who is free from a problem with lust, you need to be a woman who is free from a problem with longing.