Wellspring

I have to admit that the past year has been quite the blur!  When I think about it, I can't remember a lot of the specifics, just generally running around!

We are do-ers.  We like to be busy, we like to be active.  The kids play sports, Drason and I volunteer, and the time flies away!

As this past January rolled around, we were exhausted, and very much in need of some family time.  February came and even though Drason was still job hunting, we were able to take a much needed family vacation!  The week we spent in DC went WAY too fast, but it gave us time to renew our spirits together, to draw closer to each other, and to draw closer to God. Sometimes it takes stepping away from the din of every day life to hear that still small voice calling to us.....

....look how big your kids are getting, they are growing into young men
....your family likes having your attention, they need it even
....remember what it was like to be responsible for this family first, and others families second

As the months rolled on, more and more I became convinced that maybe it wasn't healthy to always be on call, to be a go to person, or at least not to be that way for a long period of time.
 It also occurred that we had allowed some unhealthy thinking to wiggle into our lives.  Thoughts like, 'I am personally responsible for every one's happiness, every one's ability to get along, every one's attitudes and actions.'  How easy it is to get sucked into this kind of thinking, which leads to wanting to control, wanting to 'fix' and wanting to 'help'.  Both Drason and I began to consider these things, and prayerfully consider where we could help, how we were spending our time, and where our time was best spent in service to God and to each other!

Just by chance a good friend of mine hosted a Bible Study about healthy ways of thinking, and I somehow found the time to go (or perhaps it was by Design? =)   As we worked through the weekly assignments this winter and spring, I began to see and hear what she, and others were saying!  "Do you really need to be involved in everything?"  I heard her ask one evening.   Ouch, that stung! I have to admit I left in a huff that night, but during the week her words kept coming back to me over and over again.  Every good reason I had, every logical choice, crumbled under the words she had spoken and caused me to look at whether or not I felt I did need to always be the go to person, or did I have worth beyond what I could do for others? I thought so, my friend thought so, would other people think so?

This was a hard thing to grasp.  I am certainly not suggesting that we all live as moochers for our entire lives, and let others take care of us while demanding their affections.  But sometimes it is enough to do your best, play your part, and then step aside so that others may play theirs.  It is only pride and fear that keep us center stage.  Either the belief that only we could ever do a job well, or the belief that if we stop, no one will ever start up again, that strokes the ego and makes the heart haughty.  Combine those dysfunctional thoughts with fear, 'Will people judge me if I stop?' or 'Will all this work mean nothing?' and you get a fearful temperament to boot! 

Fear and pride, twin roaring lions at the door of my thought closet, (their group also occasionally hosts anger and self doubt), roar day and night.  And when surrounded by the business of life, these messages can be convincing and terrifying.

Again and again I have to come back to some key verses to tame these lions.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalms 19:14

Stop those thoughts in their tracks and rely on my Father for my provision, my strength and my salvation.

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:11

Teach my thoughts to obey! Deny access to accusations, fear, pride, doubt, and focus instead on some of the promises of scripture.  For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2Tim1:7
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom 8:38-39

My own personal KO for those roaring doubts and roaring fears?  Substituting Me and I in a scripture promise, what a difference it makes : Who are you to condemn someone else's servants? My own master will judge whether I stand or fall. And with the Lord's help, I will stand and receive His approval. Romans 14:4

Why are these things important?  Why is it so important to guard the door of your heart and mind and extinguish the fiery darts of the devil before they can take over? 

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23
My heart is the wellspring of my life.  Another versions says: Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.  And yet another version Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

My heart (my thoughts, feelings, emotions, longings, desires, dreams, ambitions, priorities and responsibilities) determine the course of, and the issues of, and the sustaining power of, my life. 
That is so important to realize!  It sounds so simple, but oh! how often I forget. 

As summer comes, I am finally stepping away from a few things.  Countless hours have been spent in prayer over these decisions, and peace, assurance and relief come mixed with renewed vigor for the callings my Father has placed in my life.  There is more time for family dinners, and baseball games, and gardening and simply living life!

Knowing these decisions have been bathed in prayer allows me to be confident and more committed to my family and to places where God has given me permission to serve, and clarity in all matters. 

From the heart flows the wellspring of life.  Amen!

ps - ELCC is one of those special areas where God has given us permission to go all out!  Love lavishly, serve selflessly, and be ridiculously real =)